17 days from now

in 17 day it will be a year! what is expected of me? get on with my life? be strong for the kids i don't have?? my whole life was her. i am her. but she was intimidating and strong and i am not! she could handle this ... but with out her i cant I'm not strong she was my strength...
i am broken!

fuck

November 2nd 2008 Julie Ann Romano died... Jessica Brown has not been the same since.. I did not cry at your funeral. I have spent months denying and pretending.. you are not gone you are not gone you are not gone... today was normalish washed the car went to football hung out with the girls ( we bairly talked about you again.. I dont think we can handle the reality of this yet) went to bed and for some reason relived november 2nd 2008... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck for some reason tonight when i tell myself you are not gone i know it is a lie
i cant breathe i cant see from crying i cant breathe .. your not gone.. fuck

I wanted to find pictures where we looked alike.. i got 4 pics of me and the scrapbook of u.. Carly is starting to look so much like you! its amazing :) I found a few where you and I are like twins.. Kaysie looks like you to believe it or not :) fuck

51 really this is bullshit I am so fucking angryaaaaahhhhh
its not right its not fair oh my god is this realfuck is this real i cant breathe

i dream about you your face is so clear in my mind but it always flashes to the gurney or the coffin.. your hands in the coffin.. fuck

i want to hear your voice. i miss i cant remember it. i wish i had it recorded
i want to read your letters but just seeing your handwriting kills me. your word you wrote like you spoke and i can imagine you saying it but i cant hear your fucking voice... fuck
i miss you i am dying.. your not gone fuck

how much to give!?

I think there are people who are just born to do somethings! I have a long history of giving to much to people who don't deserve it.. it effects the people in my life that i love and who do deserve it because it takes away from them.. I realize this was wrong of me because it was not fair to me or the ones I love! I think however I have found the problem and know how to still be a giver without compromising myself or the ones I love.. I just hope the people in my life can appreciate that the things I they love about me can also be my faults and its hard to find that line.. I do believe I have figured it out tho.. I really like that I can help people and want to do it whenever possible as long as it doesn't compromise who I am..
I have recently met someone who I expect to be a great friend for many many years to come.. I care about her a great deal! I would never take time or effort away from our friendship as I would not take time or effort away from my other loved ones.. I hope you all can see that this is something that i do well and I do get some fulfillment out of it!!
Please know that I love you all... Kays, Car and Mon!!! Know that you are the most important and I love you!

strange things... volume 2

There is a balloon in my room from my birthday still floating.. My birthday was 2 weeks ago.. I don't remember a balloon ever floating this long before... There are cloths all over my floor. OK that's not strange its actually pretty typical.. In my closet is a bag from Valley View mortuary. It has my moms ashes in it.. or I guess what is left of her ashes.. The rest of them are in necklaces that me and my sisters wear and a bracelet my step dad wears.. and there are some that were spread by him somewhere.. he didn't want to wait for us so he took her ashes and went somewhere and spread some of them..
Its strange to not know where your mother is.. I know she is not the ashes but she was the ashes and I don't know where some of her is... that is strange.. I have pictures of her everywhere.. pictures she would hate.. some from before the bypass.. she hates those ones.. But its my mama.. there is one from X mas morning she has makeup around her eyes. it is clear she just woke up. I am kissing her cheek after opening a present.. I don't think people know how much I think of her.. I try not to bring it up so it doesn't bring people down.. that in its self is so strange because she is the greatest influence in my life! for almost 28 years I did things for her approval and pride.. I cant believe shes gone.


MAMA.. I want you to know that all that depression suicide bull shit I use to think about died with you.. I feel your strength.. I feel a great need to live your legacy! You are my heart and soul I love you!! I will make you proud with my life I promise!
Your daughter, Jessica

People in my boat! volume 1!

Once in a while you meet someone special, sometimes that person can change you forever..
I have been blessed with a lot of special people in my life, But a few of them made me the person I am today!

Okay I'll start with an easy one.. When I was 15 years old I got a job at a place called Sconecutter.. About a year later I started working a swing shift and met the graveyard manager. She was sarcastic and mean and beautiful and strong and just basically amazing.. I was scared of her for a while but then I saw her light.. She was everything I lacked as a person.. confident assertive strong. BEAUTIFUL!!! in the next few years we ended up working 40 hours a week together and our relationship became something astounding! Monica you are my best friend in the whole world and I love you more than I can ever say! Thank you so much for being a friend to me thru all my adolescent BS and putting up with all my drama.. You are a rock to everyone around you. You love unconditionally and give without a second thought! I am truly blessed to have you in my life.. I don't have the words to express what you mean to me so I hope you just know! You are my favorite 21 year old mother of 2!!! lol

big loves to Monica my best friend!

Back by popular demand hee hee

Let me just catch you up.. the last two women I dated broke up with me because I deserve better... um ya did you catch that. I DESERVE BETTER!!!! Since when is that a reason to break up with someone.. Like really?? WTF!!! Any way I do kind of get where my ex is coming from.. It is still BS but less BS as the girl I was dating..
It is kind of hard to not get in your head when two people use the same reason to break up with you.. OK what so I should be a lying ass hole who is 100% selfish and just doesn't give a shit... that's not me!! I do give a shit.. I think being there for someone and being able to give yourself to someone is the bravest and hardest thing someone can do...
Anyway.. now I am back in single girl mode and having a great time. My sisters are just amazing they teach me about myself everyday. They know the truth about me. my real core self..
Jessica is a new women now however.. and as much as my sisters know about me they don't know the new different me.! As I don't know the new them. For those of you who don't know we lost our mother almost 8 months ago.. we were all very very close to her which consequently changed us all from the core..
So the new me is stronger and more confident I have this deep belief that she is in me and it makes me better!! So in the last month I have let myself free.. The best example of this is girls weekend were look out people Jessica went crazy! I had more fun than I have had in so damn long and hung out with the coolest girls ever!!!!!!!
The week after revealed that I had made a life long friend someone amazing who I could talk to about everything and trust with anything.. She has become one of my favorite people to call and hang out with.. I have amazing people in my life My sisters of coarse! Monica my BFF like 15 years strong hell yeah... I have 2 ex girlfriends who are still very important parts of my life! I love you all!!!! It is still kind of nice to be creeping up on 30 and still be able to make a friend.. That is such a lost art with adults.. I just want to say to my new friend.. Thank you! You have been awesome and I am really happy I meet you!


so yeah that's what is new.. I have Therapy on Thursday so you all can expect another post :)
loves Jes

P.S. MAMA I miss you every day! I ache for you every minute.. wish you were here! love you!!

GROWTH

I yelled at my sisters the other day.. well it was like 3 weeks ago.. but so very out of character for me to be confrontational.. and to my sisters of all people..
My therapist Alison said it was growth... I hate confrontation.. I don't deal with my issues. she said I put everything in a little box and put it away as a defence and deal with things in when i can.. problem is somethings I never get to.. there is so much i haven't dealt with and ever since mama died I feel like Pandora's box has opened up!!
All the little boxes are open and I'm over whelmed by the pain of my entire life.. even the things that really don;t matter now are being brought to the surface and I'm starting to realize how I got where I am and why I am the person I am...
I have relied on my mother so much in my adulthood that I never really grew up.. And now I am being catapulted into adulthood without a net.. I know I am a strong person I am my mama... I can over come anything but its shocking to be in your safe place and then have it ripped away.. Its been 6 months and it feels like yesterday!

MAMA THOUGHT.. mom would say listen to Alison!!! Grow up and be the woman she raised me to be.. (however my mom would have used different words.. most of which would be swear words lol..)

I love you mom..

PS what do you think about Mindy??? I wish so much I had your opinion 0n that.. I keep thinking I hear you when I'm with her.. I feel like you like her for me even tho its a complicated situation!! But if you wanted to like tell me in a dream that would be good to lol!!

I love you mom! MUAH

Choose to be happy

I think in your worst moments it is up to you to choose to be happy.. I have always been the funny happy girl!
For the last little while I felt broken. like who i was did not exsist anymore.
But MAMA you are in me as much as or more than ever. I am becoming the person I was meant to be... Still and always the mama's girl.. but now the adult!
I think you are proud of me! I think you are so happy that I have held on to your strength and become more like you than I ever was...
Mama I met someone. It is early but we are going slow and I really think it could be something. She makes me want to be better... do better. for myself and her!
Mom I miss you every day.. I can't believe it has been 6 months.. I want you to know that your girls are hanging in there.. we are here for each other!.. I know you always loved that we were close but now more than ever our bond is the only think that keeps us whole.
I love you so much!! miss you like crazy.. and wish more than ever I could talk to you about the things going on in our lives.. Alison said I'm at a cross road.. I don't really know what that means but I know I what to tell you all about it. :)
you are and will forever be my heart, soul, and inspiration!
I love you Mama !

Like it was yesterday!

I can't lie I'm dying inside.. time passes and doesn't help.
I feel like you just left... I feel cut in half.
I can't push it away mom.. you were the biggest part of me..
It's more exhausting than ever to pretend I'm OK.
For the first time in my life I think maybe we were to close..
You were my best friend my other half my confidant!
I can't call you can't make you smile can't make you proud!
I miss the way you looked at me.. Like I was sun shine!!
Like I was you! life of the party the one everyone wanted to be around..
All I have ever been was wrapped up in you and now your gone and I don't know who I am!
I am so lost..

By the way Mama, I finally did something you could really be proud of.. I graduated from college Friday. I finished one thing in my life.
I wish you could have been there! It was like I was a purple flash lol They said I went across the stage so fast :) Like fuck you peace out!!! True story tho I was so glad to be done.. You are the only thing missing! I can't remember the last time I was happy.. Can you believe it me of all people to be sad!?? Don't worry I'm still seeing Alison for therapy it does help I think.. And I'm not doing the stupid shit I use to do..

I love you mama! miss you more than words can say.. I also miss me..

Two women

Almost everything I do in life revolves around two women. It usually goes back and forth between two pairs of women. My sisters Vs my mom and the women I am in love with. My sisters are here for me and love my but can at times be totally exhausting. The other two women are gone! My Mama who got ripped from the world without explanation or reason. My love who chose to leave and end a relationship seemingly over night. This is the balance of my life I either spend time with the ones who love me and want me around or I pine for the ones I can't have. Wallow in my heartbreak. In 17 weeks I have lost more than i ever thought I could handle. I feel so close to the edge all the time... Just when I felt like I could take a step back off the edge my love, the love of my life decides to end our relationship. Maybe this was a good decision maybe not but it sure was horrible timing!
I can't remember how to be a whole person altho I am getting better at putting on my mask and faking it. seem ok act ok they think your ok..
I when out to my mom's house yesterday I haven't been there since the week after she died.. I hated every minute of being there. This is much harder than I thought it would be..... And I see no end to the pain.
Its almost your Birthday mama.. time to spread some ashes. I love you

Clean Chonies!

So much has been happening! I moved lol sort of actually I got myself single again oops... So anyway I moved, I am right on the edge of finishing school and I'm house hunting. My work is starting inventory AKA hell week. We are pouring cement at both my sisters houses and with all of this craziness going on my biggest problem is CHONIES... I hate hate hate doing laundry and wait till the very last minute to do it.. lol However sometimes I cut it a little to close. I had to go commando for half a day lol. My Ex did all the laundry cause she was good at it and I apparently do it wrong :) so i got used to that and now I'm back doing my own cloths AAAAHHHH
Dear EX,
Please come back to me I'm a mess without you! I have no clean Chonies.. XOXOXO
HAHAHAHAHAHa I'm just playin.. But the Chonies story was all true!
Peace out peeps :)

MAMA thought: " How old are you?? Wash your own damn underwear!"
LOL love you mama miss you!

A good question

Okay so tonight I got asked a question I think as a joke but it sat with me for a while.. So.. If you had to describe yourself with a movie line or phrase what would it be...? Mine is from Gia..
"She was like love me love me love me ... and I did.. I did right away!" This might seem odd if you don't know me but it should make since if you do..
For those of you who do get it.... I love you too!

Beautifully Broken

I can smile and cry hysterically for the same reason.
I can change my mind in an instant.
I can love without limit and ask for nothing in return.
I can forgive without reason.
I work hard to make people happy.
I work hard at being happy myself. (That's getting harder to do lately)
I give my all to the people I love!

I want peace of mind.
I want to hear that I am loved.
I want to the clouds in my heart to go away.
I want to sleep next the one I love.
I want to see my mom. I want to talk to her. I want to know what happen. I miss her!

I want to be whole again. I want my sisters to be whole again.

Quality time!

So my GF is out of town so I had some quality time with her almost 11 year old son (AKA sunny boy). He didn't want to go bowling or to a movie so we just came home and played catch! My sister has my mitt so I used one of his! Turns out all of my catching ability was due to my mitt. So the 80% of the throws flew right by my head and the other 20% I stopped with various parts of my body lol. I did catch one of has fast balls with my hand... HOWEVER it was the hand without the mitt on it OUCHY!! He got a good laugh out of it so its all good lol. Anyway you can get it quality time with the kids in your life is wonderful!

Quickie

So I just nee to vent a bit! I am a massage therapy student and just need everyone to know!! Shower Before you come.. Do not come right after the gym! Just because you can't smell yourself doesn't mean We cant smell you!!! So far today I have had 2 great Apt's. One big guy around 50 good muscle did a deep tissue work. Next was my friend Janni She is super cute and was way nice but last Friday i had some not very Hygienic people!!! PLEASE SHOWER LOL

nature of the beast

I feel so crazy the last few days. Floods of emotion crashing around me several times an hour. I hate feeling like this. Depression is a dangerous thing if you let it consume you. Most of the time I am very good at pulling myself out of the darkness but the last few days have been hard to do that. I have felt uneasy this is usually the time I call mama. I have been trying to use my support system but I don't know how to explain what I feel. Mama always just knew what I needed to hear. It was like a peep talk I guess but she was just so good at it. The good news is that I'm pretty sure most of what I have felt to last few day is very much related to my monthly surge in hormones lol. Thank god its almost over.!! I should be back to myself tomorrow for sure. Thanks to Monica for putting up with me the last few days lol and as always thanks to my girlfriend for dealing with a crazy lady a few days a month.

My girls

I would just like to thank all the amazing females in my life.
Starting with my sisters Kaysie and Carly. I don't know how I would get through my life without you guys. The bond we share is deep and unbreakable. You are my best friends and my favorite party buddies. I love to laugh with you, cry with you, and just be around you. I love you both with all me heart.

Now on to the other love of my life. My girlfriend is so incredible. You make me so happy. Our life together is more than I could have ever dreamt of. I feel so much love from you and sunny boy. There isn't a minute that goes but that I don't feel thankful for your love. You make me smile. I feel so safe and secure with you. Thank you for everything. I love you so much! You are my world! MUAH

Fleeting Emotions

I am fine. I am good. These are the words that come flying out of my mouth everyday. Wake up push it away. Compress the pain. I put on a mask and start the show. Then it creeps up. The pain the reality that she is gone! I think "oh my god how could this be real". I push it down the wave of sadness is gone again but for how long. Every thing I think and feel is temporary.Happiness,anger,sadness come on fast and leave in a flash. I feel lost and floaty like I'm always confused. I don't remember who I am. Who I am was always so wrapped up in her! My sisters and I keep saying we feel broken. I guess that the only way to describe our selves after our world was shattered.
I miss you so much mama I love you!

Personal leave

It was suggested to me by my bosses that I should take some personal time to get my head right. At first I was pissed and insulted. Look people it wasn't my pet fish that died its my MOM!! The most important number one person in my life. She was my best friend and my one true confidante know body knew my like she did and I can never replace that relationship in my life! BUT then I thought about taking a whole month off. Get healthy concentrate on school, get my head right!! I really need to deal with the mama stuff. So I guess as it turns out my bosses were right. One of my bosses said something really smart to me. She said "You need to get use to your new life." Shes right it will never be the same.

Mama Though: Mama would think.... I think she would be glad that I am able to take this time. She would probably be stressing out about what it means that I need this kind of time.
Love you Mama promise to make you proud soon!

Oprah dream

So I just woke up and its kind of become a habit to lay still and try to remember my dream just in case any of it was about my mama! ( I love seeing mama in my dreams. It is amazingly comforting just to know her image is still in my Brain :) ). Anyway as I recalled my dream today I felt the urge to share it because I think I am insane.
In my dream I was Oprah's chef. Her last one got fired because she got fat again lol. It was my job to monitor what she ate and cook her meals. The bitch kept sneaking food and having it flown in from everywhere. I was running all over this huge house looking in closets only to find a BBQ sauce covered Oprah hiding under fur coats. ( My girlfriend would say the fact that Oprah was in a closet stands for something else lol) So at the end on my dream she gets in my face and says if I don't let her eat I'm fired. I said if I let you eat that I'll be fired because you'll become a heffer. ( For the record I don't think I have ever said Heffer while being awake lol). She swung her arm to hit me and missed with her hand, but the saggy bat wing part of her upper arm smacked me hard across my face. I WENT DOWN!! I proceed to roll over and try to crawl away to regroup. Oprah jumps on my back and starts to ride me like a pony. STOP LAUGHING

I should say at this point in most of my dreams I look amazing. I am in great shape and have incredible muscle tone. tee hee

Due to my muscular body I managed to roll her tubby ass off of my and ran to the kitchen. She pursued in hast lol. I jumped off of the counter top weapon in hand tackling Oprah to the ground. I then used the weapon of choice which ended up being a 2 pound bad of baby carrots and started shoving them into her mouth... Then I woke up

I am slightly insane in my waking hours and this is only proof that I am a complete nut job in my sleep..

Blog virginity lol

So my therapist said I should journal because I am not dealing with my mom's death. Well I hate to write on anything that doesn't have spell check ;)I am a horrible speller. Oops I didn't check if this has spell check... whew it does! good hee hee

So I don't really know where to start. Part of me is just waiting for greys anatomy to get about 20 minutes in so I can watch commercial free on my DVR. I LOVE DVR!! 5 days ago I accidentally erased everything on our DVR. My bad hee hee. My girlfriend was so thrilled.. not! I erased a weeks worth of Days of our lives (you'd think it was the end of the world lol). Just playin she wasn't all that mad.

I guess I could introduce myself. I am Jessica a 28 yo Lesbian in Utah. I have been a mama's girl my whole life. On Nov 2ND my 51 yo Mom pasted away unexpectedly and still without cause! Everyone around me stood back and waited for my to crumble and fall apart. Which I did in small pieces for short amounts of time and mostly with my girlfriend. I guess everyone expected me to be worse off (myself included). Now it is 11 weeks later and it is just starting to sink in and denial is fading. I am still okay tho.

I plan to end most of my blogs with a mama thought. I think it makes sense because I always wonder what she'd be saying about the things I do and say.

MAMA THOUGHT: mama would like this and she would have giggled at the spelling thing. Love you mama