17 days from now

in 17 day it will be a year! what is expected of me? get on with my life? be strong for the kids i don't have?? my whole life was her. i am her. but she was intimidating and strong and i am not! she could handle this ... but with out her i cant I'm not strong she was my strength...
i am broken!

fuck

November 2nd 2008 Julie Ann Romano died... Jessica Brown has not been the same since.. I did not cry at your funeral. I have spent months denying and pretending.. you are not gone you are not gone you are not gone... today was normalish washed the car went to football hung out with the girls ( we bairly talked about you again.. I dont think we can handle the reality of this yet) went to bed and for some reason relived november 2nd 2008... aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck for some reason tonight when i tell myself you are not gone i know it is a lie
i cant breathe i cant see from crying i cant breathe .. your not gone.. fuck

I wanted to find pictures where we looked alike.. i got 4 pics of me and the scrapbook of u.. Carly is starting to look so much like you! its amazing :) I found a few where you and I are like twins.. Kaysie looks like you to believe it or not :) fuck

51 really this is bullshit I am so fucking angryaaaaahhhhh
its not right its not fair oh my god is this realfuck is this real i cant breathe

i dream about you your face is so clear in my mind but it always flashes to the gurney or the coffin.. your hands in the coffin.. fuck

i want to hear your voice. i miss i cant remember it. i wish i had it recorded
i want to read your letters but just seeing your handwriting kills me. your word you wrote like you spoke and i can imagine you saying it but i cant hear your fucking voice... fuck
i miss you i am dying.. your not gone fuck

how much to give!?

I think there are people who are just born to do somethings! I have a long history of giving to much to people who don't deserve it.. it effects the people in my life that i love and who do deserve it because it takes away from them.. I realize this was wrong of me because it was not fair to me or the ones I love! I think however I have found the problem and know how to still be a giver without compromising myself or the ones I love.. I just hope the people in my life can appreciate that the things I they love about me can also be my faults and its hard to find that line.. I do believe I have figured it out tho.. I really like that I can help people and want to do it whenever possible as long as it doesn't compromise who I am..
I have recently met someone who I expect to be a great friend for many many years to come.. I care about her a great deal! I would never take time or effort away from our friendship as I would not take time or effort away from my other loved ones.. I hope you all can see that this is something that i do well and I do get some fulfillment out of it!!
Please know that I love you all... Kays, Car and Mon!!! Know that you are the most important and I love you!

strange things... volume 2

There is a balloon in my room from my birthday still floating.. My birthday was 2 weeks ago.. I don't remember a balloon ever floating this long before... There are cloths all over my floor. OK that's not strange its actually pretty typical.. In my closet is a bag from Valley View mortuary. It has my moms ashes in it.. or I guess what is left of her ashes.. The rest of them are in necklaces that me and my sisters wear and a bracelet my step dad wears.. and there are some that were spread by him somewhere.. he didn't want to wait for us so he took her ashes and went somewhere and spread some of them..
Its strange to not know where your mother is.. I know she is not the ashes but she was the ashes and I don't know where some of her is... that is strange.. I have pictures of her everywhere.. pictures she would hate.. some from before the bypass.. she hates those ones.. But its my mama.. there is one from X mas morning she has makeup around her eyes. it is clear she just woke up. I am kissing her cheek after opening a present.. I don't think people know how much I think of her.. I try not to bring it up so it doesn't bring people down.. that in its self is so strange because she is the greatest influence in my life! for almost 28 years I did things for her approval and pride.. I cant believe shes gone.


MAMA.. I want you to know that all that depression suicide bull shit I use to think about died with you.. I feel your strength.. I feel a great need to live your legacy! You are my heart and soul I love you!! I will make you proud with my life I promise!
Your daughter, Jessica

People in my boat! volume 1!

Once in a while you meet someone special, sometimes that person can change you forever..
I have been blessed with a lot of special people in my life, But a few of them made me the person I am today!

Okay I'll start with an easy one.. When I was 15 years old I got a job at a place called Sconecutter.. About a year later I started working a swing shift and met the graveyard manager. She was sarcastic and mean and beautiful and strong and just basically amazing.. I was scared of her for a while but then I saw her light.. She was everything I lacked as a person.. confident assertive strong. BEAUTIFUL!!! in the next few years we ended up working 40 hours a week together and our relationship became something astounding! Monica you are my best friend in the whole world and I love you more than I can ever say! Thank you so much for being a friend to me thru all my adolescent BS and putting up with all my drama.. You are a rock to everyone around you. You love unconditionally and give without a second thought! I am truly blessed to have you in my life.. I don't have the words to express what you mean to me so I hope you just know! You are my favorite 21 year old mother of 2!!! lol

big loves to Monica my best friend!

Back by popular demand hee hee

Let me just catch you up.. the last two women I dated broke up with me because I deserve better... um ya did you catch that. I DESERVE BETTER!!!! Since when is that a reason to break up with someone.. Like really?? WTF!!! Any way I do kind of get where my ex is coming from.. It is still BS but less BS as the girl I was dating..
It is kind of hard to not get in your head when two people use the same reason to break up with you.. OK what so I should be a lying ass hole who is 100% selfish and just doesn't give a shit... that's not me!! I do give a shit.. I think being there for someone and being able to give yourself to someone is the bravest and hardest thing someone can do...
Anyway.. now I am back in single girl mode and having a great time. My sisters are just amazing they teach me about myself everyday. They know the truth about me. my real core self..
Jessica is a new women now however.. and as much as my sisters know about me they don't know the new different me.! As I don't know the new them. For those of you who don't know we lost our mother almost 8 months ago.. we were all very very close to her which consequently changed us all from the core..
So the new me is stronger and more confident I have this deep belief that she is in me and it makes me better!! So in the last month I have let myself free.. The best example of this is girls weekend were look out people Jessica went crazy! I had more fun than I have had in so damn long and hung out with the coolest girls ever!!!!!!!
The week after revealed that I had made a life long friend someone amazing who I could talk to about everything and trust with anything.. She has become one of my favorite people to call and hang out with.. I have amazing people in my life My sisters of coarse! Monica my BFF like 15 years strong hell yeah... I have 2 ex girlfriends who are still very important parts of my life! I love you all!!!! It is still kind of nice to be creeping up on 30 and still be able to make a friend.. That is such a lost art with adults.. I just want to say to my new friend.. Thank you! You have been awesome and I am really happy I meet you!


so yeah that's what is new.. I have Therapy on Thursday so you all can expect another post :)
loves Jes

P.S. MAMA I miss you every day! I ache for you every minute.. wish you were here! love you!!

GROWTH

I yelled at my sisters the other day.. well it was like 3 weeks ago.. but so very out of character for me to be confrontational.. and to my sisters of all people..
My therapist Alison said it was growth... I hate confrontation.. I don't deal with my issues. she said I put everything in a little box and put it away as a defence and deal with things in when i can.. problem is somethings I never get to.. there is so much i haven't dealt with and ever since mama died I feel like Pandora's box has opened up!!
All the little boxes are open and I'm over whelmed by the pain of my entire life.. even the things that really don;t matter now are being brought to the surface and I'm starting to realize how I got where I am and why I am the person I am...
I have relied on my mother so much in my adulthood that I never really grew up.. And now I am being catapulted into adulthood without a net.. I know I am a strong person I am my mama... I can over come anything but its shocking to be in your safe place and then have it ripped away.. Its been 6 months and it feels like yesterday!

MAMA THOUGHT.. mom would say listen to Alison!!! Grow up and be the woman she raised me to be.. (however my mom would have used different words.. most of which would be swear words lol..)

I love you mom..

PS what do you think about Mindy??? I wish so much I had your opinion 0n that.. I keep thinking I hear you when I'm with her.. I feel like you like her for me even tho its a complicated situation!! But if you wanted to like tell me in a dream that would be good to lol!!

I love you mom! MUAH