GROWTH

I yelled at my sisters the other day.. well it was like 3 weeks ago.. but so very out of character for me to be confrontational.. and to my sisters of all people..
My therapist Alison said it was growth... I hate confrontation.. I don't deal with my issues. she said I put everything in a little box and put it away as a defence and deal with things in when i can.. problem is somethings I never get to.. there is so much i haven't dealt with and ever since mama died I feel like Pandora's box has opened up!!
All the little boxes are open and I'm over whelmed by the pain of my entire life.. even the things that really don;t matter now are being brought to the surface and I'm starting to realize how I got where I am and why I am the person I am...
I have relied on my mother so much in my adulthood that I never really grew up.. And now I am being catapulted into adulthood without a net.. I know I am a strong person I am my mama... I can over come anything but its shocking to be in your safe place and then have it ripped away.. Its been 6 months and it feels like yesterday!

MAMA THOUGHT.. mom would say listen to Alison!!! Grow up and be the woman she raised me to be.. (however my mom would have used different words.. most of which would be swear words lol..)

I love you mom..

PS what do you think about Mindy??? I wish so much I had your opinion 0n that.. I keep thinking I hear you when I'm with her.. I feel like you like her for me even tho its a complicated situation!! But if you wanted to like tell me in a dream that would be good to lol!!

I love you mom! MUAH

Choose to be happy

I think in your worst moments it is up to you to choose to be happy.. I have always been the funny happy girl!
For the last little while I felt broken. like who i was did not exsist anymore.
But MAMA you are in me as much as or more than ever. I am becoming the person I was meant to be... Still and always the mama's girl.. but now the adult!
I think you are proud of me! I think you are so happy that I have held on to your strength and become more like you than I ever was...
Mama I met someone. It is early but we are going slow and I really think it could be something. She makes me want to be better... do better. for myself and her!
Mom I miss you every day.. I can't believe it has been 6 months.. I want you to know that your girls are hanging in there.. we are here for each other!.. I know you always loved that we were close but now more than ever our bond is the only think that keeps us whole.
I love you so much!! miss you like crazy.. and wish more than ever I could talk to you about the things going on in our lives.. Alison said I'm at a cross road.. I don't really know what that means but I know I what to tell you all about it. :)
you are and will forever be my heart, soul, and inspiration!
I love you Mama !

Like it was yesterday!

I can't lie I'm dying inside.. time passes and doesn't help.
I feel like you just left... I feel cut in half.
I can't push it away mom.. you were the biggest part of me..
It's more exhausting than ever to pretend I'm OK.
For the first time in my life I think maybe we were to close..
You were my best friend my other half my confidant!
I can't call you can't make you smile can't make you proud!
I miss the way you looked at me.. Like I was sun shine!!
Like I was you! life of the party the one everyone wanted to be around..
All I have ever been was wrapped up in you and now your gone and I don't know who I am!
I am so lost..

By the way Mama, I finally did something you could really be proud of.. I graduated from college Friday. I finished one thing in my life.
I wish you could have been there! It was like I was a purple flash lol They said I went across the stage so fast :) Like fuck you peace out!!! True story tho I was so glad to be done.. You are the only thing missing! I can't remember the last time I was happy.. Can you believe it me of all people to be sad!?? Don't worry I'm still seeing Alison for therapy it does help I think.. And I'm not doing the stupid shit I use to do..

I love you mama! miss you more than words can say.. I also miss me..

Two women

Almost everything I do in life revolves around two women. It usually goes back and forth between two pairs of women. My sisters Vs my mom and the women I am in love with. My sisters are here for me and love my but can at times be totally exhausting. The other two women are gone! My Mama who got ripped from the world without explanation or reason. My love who chose to leave and end a relationship seemingly over night. This is the balance of my life I either spend time with the ones who love me and want me around or I pine for the ones I can't have. Wallow in my heartbreak. In 17 weeks I have lost more than i ever thought I could handle. I feel so close to the edge all the time... Just when I felt like I could take a step back off the edge my love, the love of my life decides to end our relationship. Maybe this was a good decision maybe not but it sure was horrible timing!
I can't remember how to be a whole person altho I am getting better at putting on my mask and faking it. seem ok act ok they think your ok..
I when out to my mom's house yesterday I haven't been there since the week after she died.. I hated every minute of being there. This is much harder than I thought it would be..... And I see no end to the pain.
Its almost your Birthday mama.. time to spread some ashes. I love you

Clean Chonies!

So much has been happening! I moved lol sort of actually I got myself single again oops... So anyway I moved, I am right on the edge of finishing school and I'm house hunting. My work is starting inventory AKA hell week. We are pouring cement at both my sisters houses and with all of this craziness going on my biggest problem is CHONIES... I hate hate hate doing laundry and wait till the very last minute to do it.. lol However sometimes I cut it a little to close. I had to go commando for half a day lol. My Ex did all the laundry cause she was good at it and I apparently do it wrong :) so i got used to that and now I'm back doing my own cloths AAAAHHHH
Dear EX,
Please come back to me I'm a mess without you! I have no clean Chonies.. XOXOXO
HAHAHAHAHAHa I'm just playin.. But the Chonies story was all true!
Peace out peeps :)

MAMA thought: " How old are you?? Wash your own damn underwear!"
LOL love you mama miss you!

A good question

Okay so tonight I got asked a question I think as a joke but it sat with me for a while.. So.. If you had to describe yourself with a movie line or phrase what would it be...? Mine is from Gia..
"She was like love me love me love me ... and I did.. I did right away!" This might seem odd if you don't know me but it should make since if you do..
For those of you who do get it.... I love you too!

Beautifully Broken

I can smile and cry hysterically for the same reason.
I can change my mind in an instant.
I can love without limit and ask for nothing in return.
I can forgive without reason.
I work hard to make people happy.
I work hard at being happy myself. (That's getting harder to do lately)
I give my all to the people I love!

I want peace of mind.
I want to hear that I am loved.
I want to the clouds in my heart to go away.
I want to sleep next the one I love.
I want to see my mom. I want to talk to her. I want to know what happen. I miss her!

I want to be whole again. I want my sisters to be whole again.